Thread: I need a life
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Old 2004-12-19, 00:47
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Medur Medur is offline
LBA fan
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: São Paulo, Brazil
Posts: 2,999
For a writer, if there's anything worse than bad criticism, it's no criticism.
Well, if you say so........

Four things that suck about Vermin in Heaven

1. It doesn't have Lo Pan in it.

That's right. I'm talking about the perpetuator of ass kicking himself, Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China: one of the best movies ever made. Lo Pan, for those of you who are adept at depriving yourselves of things that rule, is an evil war lord cursed to roam the world in spirit form. Basically he runs around stomping people's holes who piss him off (which happens to be everyone). Lo Pan doesn't take shit from anyone; exactly the kind of character Vermin in Heaven needed. If I wrote the fanfic, I'd have inclued Lo Pan as the lead, instead of that pussy Twinsen. With Lo Pan in the book, it would have been about 5 minutes long: first scene would have been Lo Pan ruining everyone's shit, killing all the babies and then spiking midgets off the ground. Oh man.

2. Not enough lesbians. In fact, there aren't any.

So I spent my time download a fanfic with really high acclaim and great reviews; surely it was reasonable to assume that a fanfic of such supposedly high caliber must have lesbians in it. Expecting a solid two hours of lesbian mud wrestling, I was rendered impotent by chunky quetchs with bone ponytails instead. What the hell? I'm not the only one who feels the lack of lesbians hurt the book overall. In fact, a friend of mine who was reading it too said "no lesbians? this is bullshit!" I want my 8 hours of my life back. Which leads me to my next point...

3. The book is actually longer than the universe it's set in.

In the time it took to read this thing, I could have walked 10 miles, filed my tax return, proved the Riemann Zeta hypothesis and still had time to write a page about how boring the fanfic was. This book was so boring that I turned into a middle-aged black woman when I fell asleep. Damn. I have the attention span of a Fox News reporter when it comes to reading books, and I was bored to tears near the end, and at the beginning... and during the middle part.

4. It doesn't have the Twinsen pimping scene in it.

Am I the only one who noticed that the entire Twinsen pimping scene is missing from the fanfic? I'm talking about the part in which Twinsen happens across a magic crate full of enchanted pimp armor. The armor renders the wearer into a super-suave womanizing sex machine. After Twinsen discovers the magic garments, he journeys to the land of the golden shower on a pilgrimage of self-discovery to unleash the true power of his magic ball. During his quest, he's accompanied by his friend from the east side, Cop Killa. Together they bring down the law and clean house on an illegal pimping monopoly which dominates the market of fine Quetch bitches in Twinsun.
Thanks Maddox...

I hope you're happy now.
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