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Fan Fics Place for your fan fictions

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  #1  
Old 2003-03-15, 17:59
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Xakep_INC Xakep_INC is offline
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Story - Finished

Well, here it is. I made a short one out of it. Thought of a really strange ending. Hope you enjoy it.

P.S
It's short. Only 3.5 pages.

URL:
http://firegemsoftware.free.fr/Xakep_INC/LBAPWT.doc
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  #2  
Old 2003-03-16, 01:09
Atresica Atresica is offline
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Hmm... I got some mixed feelings

I think your sentences should be flowing more, your avarage line is about,... 8 to 10 words, and that's often rather shocky if you get me. Try making the lines a bit more fluently, don't be afraid to use commas

As for the storyline, I find it a bit... odd that this person would be powerful and such, it doesn't quite make it exciting.

It's nice you tried to combine two view points but still, it doesn't really have a good conclusion, or are you still going to continue?

Also, be careful to instandly put a 'mark' on characters. Sure Funfrock is insane, but it's not quite that he would burst out into a laughter every time he got someone captured. You don't see Bush or Sadam doing that

Overall... it's pretty good, but it does need some improvement. I'd really recommand you to continue with writing, you certainly seem to have some talent

ps. why would FF know his name?
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  #3  
Old 2003-03-19, 18:16
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Xakep_INC Xakep_INC is offline
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Well, I will improve my sentences.
About the storyline. It WAS supposed to be a long story, but at the end I decided not to continue that one. I think you noticed the rush at the end.

About the laughing. FunFrock is insane He is THAT insane
And they knew each other personally in the squadron. And not in the best way.

P.S
I agree. That guy is too powerful.

P.P.S
First Chapter of my other story coming soon. It's not lbaish though, so where should I post it?
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Old 2003-03-20, 00:02
Atresica Atresica is offline
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Well, that's a difficult thing...

Either Off topic or just Fanfiction, Fan Creation, Others might work too
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Old 2003-04-04, 05:13
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I didn't really have a problem with short sentences (hay, Hamingway made it his style and he got the Nobel prize).

A few things (plotholes):

Why would they harras someone like Samantha in order for her to research an artifact. By her character, it seemed she would work for them under her own will. Wouldn't they at least ask her first before all the "We are MIB come to knock you out."

How did Kyle know that the guardsmen at the desert shot metalic bullets?

How did Kyle end up outside the spaceship and kilometers away from it? Alright, lets say someone found the thing, pulled him out and left him for the dead. Wouldn't they at least take his weapons?

Did no one on Twinsun notice that Kyle had FIVE fingers and not four?

I know Atresica pointed this out and you answered, but still...an insane man doesn't mean that he's going to laugh at the mentioning of his own name.

Also, it would have been more suspenceful if Tuck was mentioned somewhere early in the story. Especially when its someone like an assistant and so the reader, in addition to being unfamiliar with the character, sees very little connection with Kyle. So, I don't think you achived the affect you were looking for.

All in all, I think it was a good practice, but you just have to watchout for plotholes.
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Old 2003-04-14, 19:50
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Thanks for the notes, I will try to avoid these mistakes in my next fics.
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