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Old 2003-10-27, 18:14
Master Cheater's Avatar
Master Cheater Master Cheater is offline
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The Darkness Above...

(My new fanfic, i am trying my best to have grammer right.)
(oops wait.. Accidentaly pushed the enter button!)


Twinsen - 'Main Character'
Zoe - 'Normal Character'
Baldino - 'Main Character'
Zed - 'Main Character' (Impossible? No)
Felix - 'Helping Character'
Xanomorph - 'Main Enemy'
Darksh - 'Enemies'


Friday, November, 2009 (My fanfic! My date! GOT THAT?!)

Time: 3:22 PM
Island - Citadel Island

In the middle of night, just by looking up in the sky. It was calmly known that the sky was dark black, and still raining, with people not knowing when it will stop.

A figure ran to Twinsen's house with a tunic, Twinsen came in the house all wet with his Tunic wet too, "So much for the cleaners... Stupid rain!" Twinsen said as he closed the door and looking a bit mad, as he put his tunic on his chair and sat down on it.

"This world is never the same.. Almost..... Each time there is no peace!" Twinsen said and growled and looked through the window, still wondering if the Weather Wizard will end this storm..

What's taking that guy so long?... It should've ended by now.. he thought while he turned around and looked at the floor, with some puddles shaped like Twinsen's shoes, because of the puddles outside the house and in the rain.

Twinsen looked somewhere else and spotted something, he walked to it and quickly knew what it was 'The Lightning Spell', "I don't know if this is gonna be any use..... After all, this is just a thunder spell.." Twinsen said as put it in his inventory.

(yes i know this post is long.. But not as long as the fanfic that Atre did.. man.. that thing is H.U.G.E)

Just then, the rain outside Twinsen's house calmed down and stopped a little, "What? Finnaly?" Twinsen said as he quickly looked through the window, as he accidentaly slammed his head into the wall. "OWCH!" he said rubbing his head as a ferry ticket came down.

"Huh?" Twinsen said, This is the ferry ticket that got stuck in the wall! Twinsen thought as he walked to the door, opened it and as he got through, he closed it and walked to the Harbor, hoping he would get to Desert Island in time..

(To be continued)

Last edited by Master Cheater; 2003-10-27 at 18:36.
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Old 2003-10-27, 19:48
Atresica Atresica is offline
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You've got quite good writing skills, but you might want to concentrate on making it not too confusing. Explain the character's actions too.

Oh and don't worry about the length, the actual people that read fiction really wouldn't mind that
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Old 2003-10-28, 00:27
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Master Cheater Master Cheater is offline
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Character's Actions?....

Sorry Atre but i am new to english..

Oh and P.S. I will make the continued part after i will discover out what is this, "Character's Actions"
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Old 2003-10-28, 01:16
Lightwing Lightwing is offline
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Character's actions.

As in, the actions of the characters.

Like, the actions that the characters make.


I can see you putting forth effort, but I'm having difficulties understanding the plot (even though this is just the first bits of pieces of it).

Also, I would recommend against the whole "time + place" format. That's how file reports are written, not stories.

Its a good start, but you need to take more time with your narration.
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Old 2003-10-28, 12:34
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Master Cheater Master Cheater is offline
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Didn't i do that.. Already?

Sorry but English is just a language i am learning, i am mostly Slovenian.. I almost understand most English things but not all of 'em..

P.S. Here's probably the new chapter:

Friday, November, 2009 (Heh, just joking..)

Time: 3:56 PM
Island - Citadel Island (yes.. Still..)

Twinsen walked to the harbor, having the ferry ticket in his hand, as the wind still didn't calm down. Twinsen's ferry ticket was flapping in the wind, Twinsen knew better than to let go of the ferry ticket, he got closer to the hoverboat.

"Hello Mr. Twinsen.." Paul said to Twinsen, "You'll need a ferry ticket to board the hoverboat" Paul responded with his tone as always, "No problem! I already have one" Twinsen said as he showed his ferry ticket, "Hmm.... Very well, proceed.." Paul said as Twinsen walked in, with Paul following him.

Saturday, November, 2009

Time: 1:22 PM
Scene - Voyage to Desert Island

As Twinsen was just looking and looking through the window, he opened it and saw all the fishes come by, he a backed off a bit when they got near him. Twinsen looked through the window again and SMACK! a fish got whacked on Twinsen's cheek and as it fell in the hoverboat.

"Owch.." Twinsen held his red cheek on the left side, as he picked up the fish and threw it out.

(May i remind you this was a scene from the actuall game, but the rest is completly gonna be a bit more random.)

After some hours later, they still haven't reached the island, "What's taking so long? We should've been there by now!" Twinsen said at Paul, "It either seems the Desert Island moved a bit more far away or... This hoverboat is out of fuel or it's too slow.." Paul said as Twinsen interupted him with "It's too slow! Why didnt' you use the spare gazogem fuel i gave you?!" Twinsen yelled a bit at Paul as he slammed his fist into one of the arm holders of the chair, as it broke.

"o.o;;" Twinsen's emotion was like that, "You'll have to pay for each thing you brake mr. Twinsen.." Paul said to him as he looked away and still navigating the hoverboat, a "Ding!......Ding!......Ding!" sound was heard, they finnaly reached the Desert Island, "Bout time!" Twinsen said as he stood up, gave 100 cashes to Paul and walked out.

Sunday, November, 2009

Time: 0:44 PM
Island - Desert Island

Twinsen walked around, and saw his car, "I forgot that i abadoned that here..." he said as he jumped in it, started the engine and shot off somewhere, as he just went by the School of Magic.

Something triggered in Twinsen's mind, causing him to stop. Twinsen jumped out of the car and walked to the School of Magic but just then, as Twinsen walked to a grass patch with mushrooms, Zed poped up "Zed?!?!" Twinsen said in a suprise, "What are you doing here?" Twinsen asked Zed.. Still being confused.

"The state of the obvious as always: I am picking up mushrooms" Zed replied to him, "you ALWAYS do..." Twinsen said thus also displaying a sigh like emotion.

"Nevermind that.." Twinsed said as Zed interupted him, "Twinsen! I just remembered! I have to tell you something!" Zed panicly said to him, "What?" Twinsen asked as then Zed said.

"The wizards are held captive by some alien like robots, and also possesed by some kind of a spell which will turn them evil!" Zed panicked and said it at the same time, "......." Twinsen stayed silent, "That doesn't sound too bad.." Twinsen replied to Zed, "IT IS! THE WIZARDS ARE GONNA DESTROY TWINSUN'S CORE, AS I SAID! THEY WERE POSSESED BY AN SPELL WHICH WILL TURN THEM EVIL!"

the sky got dark and thunders appeared everywhere cause of what Zed said, "Dude...... I didn't know ANYONE took a risk THAT high! Except it was Funfr-" Zed interupted him "THE ONE ISN'T FUNFROCK! THE SO CALLED BOSS WAS XANOMORPH!" as Zed said that, a HUGE thunder sound was heard, almost making everyone tremble, "Not that guy again!" Twinsen said as he looked up.

To be continued YET again!..
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Old 2003-11-17, 15:02
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Master Cheater Master Cheater is offline
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(P.S. Sorry for the double post, this thread had no response..)

Time: 1:20 PM
Island - Desert Island

Twinsen sighed, knowing that he already defeated Xanomorph. But by the look on Xanomorph's face in his first defeat, it was sawn that he would come back and take revenge.

"Xanomorph.. I defeated him the first time with the help of Sendell.. Zeo and Baldino even.." Twinsen said looking at the sky, he grabbed Zed's hand and runned off somewhere with him, Twinsen saw his car and jumped in with Zed, "You do have the keys right?" Zed asked Twinsen, "you can't just forget them if you have a car... Right?" Twinsen replied back with a sigh like tone, almost saying it under his breath, "Uh right.." Zed replied again, Twinsen put the keys in the ignition and they both TOOK OFF.

Twinsen and Zed reached the Hacienda, and saw Ker'aooc come out, "So you finnaly came out eh Kar'aooc?" Twinsen asked him, knowing about his last adventure (LBA2), "Yes.. It took some time..." Ker'aooc said under his breath. Getting rather nervous of each of Twinsen's question, "Well! I am off! See ya frenchie!" Twinsen said to Ker'aooc and left laughing, "FRENCHIE?! I AM NOOOO FRENCHIE!!!!" Ker'aooc yelled as Twinsen laughed harder, it was just a joke for Twinsen.

"OH AND IF YOU SEE JOE, TEACH HIM SOMETHINGS ABOUT POWERS OK? THE LAST TIME HE DID! HE BUSTED MY CAR!" Twinsen said loudly to Ker'aooc while the vehicle left, as Ker'aooc left this kind of emotion "o_O" on his face.

The car reached the harbor, Twinsen had 10 ferry tickets, so he had no problem of passing through the islands he needed to get information from, though, he did hate spending all his money on tickets.. But he had to or the police would take him to jail.

Twinsen sighed as he walked out from his car, and grabbed Zed's hand in the process, Twinsen walked to the Hoverboat, showed Paul the Ferry Ticket and took off to Citadel Island.

Time: 1:60 PM
Island - Voyage to Citadel Island

Twinsen was just sitting on a chair with Zed looking through the window, Twinsen sighed again and looked the other way, getting rather annoyed at these voyages... And too wishing that he would have a Teleportation Spell, so that he could travel anywhere and anytime, as he just kept getting bored.. He couldn't stand the boredom so he stood up angrily and smashed something, without anyone noticing or hearing. "Hmph" Twinsen grumbled as he sat down on the chair again.
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Old 2003-12-09, 20:39
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CS2x CS2x is offline
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It's well written, but the whole thing is a bit too fast-paced and Dragon Ball Z like, if you get me. I prefer stuff where not so much would have happened in that time, but an atmosphere created and events slowly revealed.
———- —- —— ———— ————
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Old 2003-12-13, 04:30
Lightwing Lightwing is offline
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"Twinsen said loudly to Ker'aooc while the vehicle left, as Ker'aooc left this kind of emotion "o_O" on his face."


nice use of smileys
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Old 2003-12-13, 14:47
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xesf xesf is offline
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Very nice ! Continue....
LBA2Remake v0.4.0 released - open source re-implementation of the LBA 2 original engine for the web.
[Play on Browser]|[Changes]|[Github]

The Sacred Carrot website
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