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Old 2004-04-22, 04:48
lembo's Avatar
lembo lembo is offline
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Just a quick one...

If any of you could find the time to just spare a few thoughts, a bit of critique, suggestions or comments on the following pieces, i'd be very grateful indeed...

Icarus Dreams

Drowning in your Icarus dreams
you take the sky,
and break the seams.

Let the world flow in.

Yet sometimes the world
for all it's good intentions,
brings far more reality
than these delicate wings can stand.

and they collapse.

Inwards, and without warning.

Too little time to stop the morbid stall,
too little warning to break this final fall

from grace, and from virtue.

Lullaby for the Lost

Speak me to sleep,
And tell me a dream.
Weave yourself into my unconsciousness.
Lay with me here,
And i will never wake.
For i would have
Everything i want.
Promise never to leave.


too many distinct phrases
in the chains of future ages
chain the sons of ancient mages
for the writing of their rages
and the fury of their pages
to the wall that stands as tribute
to our current apathy.

I realise they're not of particularly great quality, but hey, thats why i need your thoughts

Many thanks in advance...
counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums...

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Old 2004-04-22, 05:28
Lightwing Lightwing is offline
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Uf...poetry is nearly impossible to critisize as far as suggestion of improvements go. I don't know if there is much for me to say.

Personally, I am not very fond of non-rhyming poems, although I understand Poetic Lisence allows you to do whatever you want.

Poems are very personal and they come from the inner mind. You can't really say if a poem is good or bad, just whether you like it or not. I would say, the way to make a poem "true" is if you think about every single word and phrase and how they connect together and the meaning of it all. If you just happen to write down things without really thinking about them, then you have, what I call a "bullshit poem."

"Icarus Dreams" seems to make sense (its easier to understand if you're familiar with the myth). "Lullaby for the Lost" just confused me, and I can't say that I understood "Raging" either, BUT, the particular syntax of the poem (absance of punctuations and lack of capitalization) created a sense of pace and rush in it, which is what I pressume you were aiming for (as far as conveying the mood goes).

Hope this reply comes to you at least somewhat satisfying. Like I said, I'm not too good with critiquing poems.
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Old 2004-04-22, 11:10
Atresica Atresica is offline
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I think the first two are quite good, the second reminds me of a song, I wish I remembered which one
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