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Fan Fics Place for your fan fictions

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  #1  
Old 2003-02-27, 09:34
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Twinsun Under The Twinsun - Version 2.0

Under The Twinsun - Version 2.0

Foreword

I have made some corrections in this edition, and added some new scenes.

Under LBA2

The hero of Twinsun, Twinsen, and his girlfriend Zoé thought they had defeated the evil dictator Dr.Funfrock on The Day Of Triumph.
But Funfrock wasn't defeated, he had traveled to the volcano island Celebration Island, and disguised himself as the reincarnated god Dark Monk, and everybody believed he was a reincarnated god.
Four fragments was lost in four different worlds, they should all be gathered for the next ceremony on Celebration Island, where Dark Monk would create a new paradise, but that big ceremony should be a trap, where Twinsun should be destroyed.
While spaceships from the Emerald Moon was sent down to several islands on Twinsun, was the burger master of the Francos race gone down in the under gas of his planet to find the fragment, but he didn't come that far, for a monster from the gas ate him alive.
In the meantime, as the Francos searched for the fragment, was the lighthouse keeper Raph on Twinsens home island, Citadel Island, taken by a cave monster called a Traly, as he played on his guitar by The Citadel Ruin.
It was summer on Citadel Island, Zoé was beginning to be pregnant, and Zoé and Twinsen thought that when their little baby was getting bigger, will they have a new adventurer, just like Twinsen, who would guard Twinsen, together with their goddess Sendell.
In secrecy, did the armed Esmer aliens in their spaceships plan how to exterminate Twinsen, they got shown a photo of Twinsen, and then they disguised themselves in garbage cans and cactuses, and wandered round on White Leaf Desert.
Some of the other Esmers invited some of the wizards to The Hacienda on White Leaf Desert, and as the wizards got drunk, did they got kidnapped, and taken to Celebration Island on the planet Zeelich.
The healing wizard got worried, as he couldn't find many of the wizards, and as the wizards talked with the people in the town, did they say they got invited to the hacienda by a group of Esmers.
There on Zeelich, did The Emperor start to make rewards for Twinsen, who would try to stop the next ceremony.
On White Leaf Desert, in the shadow of the night, did a tourist bus stop up at Temple Park, four family members got out of the bus, and cheated themselves in the mine, and there they found a secret place in the mine to overnight, where the guards couldn't find them.
An old Sphero with long hair, who lived in a tent by the beach, visited the temple the next day, and there he found a lot of treasures in the caves.
The old Weather Wizards prophecy about a coming storm on Twinsun came true, as dark clouds east for Citadel Island came to sight, and it was no ordinary storm.
While the air got heavy on Twinsun, did a rabby bunny fall down in a hole, that was hidden in Chez Luc's cellar, the door to the office in Citadel Islands museum got jammed, and Raph was caught in a prison cell in the Traly's cave system.
A Rabby Bunny chief ran around on Citadel Island, and tried to steel umbrellas, and as the teacher heard a storm was on the way, did she tell the kids, that the tour to the Flower Circle had to wait till the weather got better.
As the rain and thunder came to Twinsun, while Twinsen and Zoe was sitting on a bench by the beach and kissing, and Dino Fly was taking a spin in the air, did a lightning strike the Dino Fly, and then did Twinsen's adventure start.
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Old 2003-02-28, 01:12
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Good, it's longer and more expansive then your other stories.

Still, I think you could benefit from having less ideas, and more detail on fewer ideas. You change scene, or ideas, too quickly for my liking.

Try to be more descriptivr too.



anyway, thanks for contributing.
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Old 2003-02-28, 11:56
Atresica Atresica is offline
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The problem is indeed that you are switching too often from subject and give too little detail in it

It more sounds like a synopsis of a story, and that's a pitty
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Old 2003-02-28, 18:58
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Quote:
Originally posted by Atresica
The problem is indeed that you are switching too often from subject and give too little detail in it

It more sounds like a synopsis of a story, and that's a pitty

I used to do that when I was younger, though...I was always impatient to write the next bit that was in my imagination, and couldn't be bothered to finish the section that I was currently on properly.
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Old 2003-02-28, 19:06
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am I crazy, or is this just the story of LBA2? it isn't a fanfic if it is copied from the game. This may be intended as a prologue, but it just tells us what happens in the beginning of the game, and some things we are told about later on in the game

It doesn't read as a story, you are just summing up events. Try to be more descriptive, to tell more about certain pieces and to add dialogue.

Your imagination may be ahead of what you are telling, but this way it does not look like a representation of what you imagined, just as a brief synopsis of the facts your imagination came up with.

Sorry to say so, but I think it is unoriginal and boring.
keep on practising
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Old 2003-02-28, 23:00
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How old are you bunnyrabbot02 ?
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Old 2003-03-01, 18:54
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To CS2x

I'm 29 years old, and I'm getting 30 at Christmas
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Old 2003-03-01, 19:11
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nice fan fic you made there
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Old 2003-03-03, 23:10
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Re: To CS2x

Quote:
Originally posted by bunnyrabbot02
I'm 29 years old, and I'm getting 30 at Christmas
Is English your first language? No offence meant, just wondering.
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Old 2003-03-03, 23:11
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I think he's Danish..
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