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  #1  
Old 2013-11-14, 10:38
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Zee Zee is offline
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I'm at a loss...

I'm not even really sure why I'm posting this here. Its not like you guys need anymore drama. But I'm seriously at a complete loss in my life and don't have a clue what to do. It seems like things are going fine one minute, and then the next its like my whole world comes crashing down on me so fast that I feel like I'm losing my head.

I've been depressed and suicidal for 16 years and have tried everything under the sun to help. Therapy, medication, moving, ignoring it, accepting it, you name it, I've tried it. But nothing works. The suicidal thoughts went away for a while although the depression stuck around. But now, the suicidal thoughts have returned. I can't go a single day without coming up with some strategy to try and off myself before finally realizing what I'm doing and forcing the idea to leave my head, even if only temporarily. I don't want to kill myself. I want my life to improve, but it seems like everything I do just leads to more mistakes and brings me back to thinking those suicidal thoughts again.

Today sucked and ended my night having my car raided by 4 policemen who thought I was suspicious and wanted to look for drugs. Which, of course, I didn't have, which is why I consented to the search in the first place but still. Typical day for me I guess. Always one bad thing after another. And what's sad, is the police raiding my car, was the least worse thing that happened today. I dont want to get into the rest though.

I just can't take it anymore and really haven't a clue what to do at this point. My depression and suicidal tendencies are controlling my life. And nothing seems to help. Because my life is always one load of bull right after the next. It never stops. I can't take it anymore.

Last edited by Zee; 2013-11-14 at 10:44.
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  #2  
Old 2013-11-14, 10:54
K. A. T. K. A. T. is offline
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Well, maybe I don't have the same like you, but what I want to say is that even, when it is very bad, even when life *, even when only u fights against adversity, u should think that there somewhere on the world is a place for u, where you will be free, without worries about the future, YOUR place. I think u should seek that place...

Yes, I'm talking * sorry
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  #3  
Old 2013-11-14, 16:22
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Armageddon Armageddon is offline
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I,think I speak for EVERYONE!!! Here when I say you're worth way more than that!! IDK what to say really, I have it easy compared to you, a lot of us here have it easy. but, I think that during hardships and tribulations the people that persevere are the real heroes. You sir are a hero, no matter what they say or no matter what you think, to have resisted the urge to commit suicide and continue living is just amazing to say the least and proof to those around you,that you are resilient, don't give in now when you have so much to live for. Everyone has things that keep them same, I am Christian, others are Jewish, Muslim, Atheists, they all believe in something. The last thing I want to do is convert you to my belief without you wanting it. I encourage you to find something, as long as it doesnt hurt you or those around you and implement it into your life. If you ever need anything just PM me, I'll be glad to help out anytime mate!

Stay classy San Diego
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  #4  
Old 2013-11-14, 18:58
ChaosFish ChaosFish is offline
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Just don't do anything stupid ok? Even when you feel it's the end of the world, try acknowledging the fact that this feeling won't last forever.
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  #5  
Old 2013-11-14, 19:31
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marcosmapf marcosmapf is offline
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Zee... I know more about the problems you have then most people in here. I understand them, because I had the same for a very long time. I am still under depression and I have suicidal thoughs every few months, but we can't let that take the spark of life we have in ourselves, can we? I think you are one of the most wonderfull members of this forum, and probably of the whole internet. If you have any problems, please talk to me... I will be more then glad to chat with you ok?

Just remember this, if you life is bad, you always have us in here to confort you. And if that isn't enough, can I suggest you to do something that I have started a few months ago? Ignore people and everything that happens for a few days. They will start noticing that you are "Gone" and will try to fix things... It helps a lot.
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  #6  
Old 2013-11-15, 00:59
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I'm afraid I can't help much or say anything that hasn't already been said...
.
.
.
I tried to think of something but didn't find anything... I can only say the same things the other did, contact me if you ever feel the need to do so (by letter or PM or any way you see fit), I'll do what I can to help...
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  #7  
Old 2013-11-15, 16:40
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Zee, have you tried meditation?
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  #8  
Old 2013-11-15, 22:10
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Its hard to know what to reply to this stuff. I wish I could help in some way, or have something tangible to be a "cure".
I only have my own experiences from many years back when I was at university. While I was never suicidal, I was very depressed at times. Everything seemed pointless. Nothing of value seemed possible for me too do, and it felt like I was just wasting time till whenever I would die.

However...it did end. Eventually I got a goal in life, and I also started trying to help others more. It didn't happen overnight, but both these things gave my life more meaning and I became happier. I became hopeful of the future and started seeing more positive things in the world. I worried less about being successful, and more about making a difference in other ways. In some ways I started living though others...the more I saw other people happy, the happier I became too.
The bad stuff didnt so much go away, but it became less significant.

I can only say to hold on, try to find a path in life, and to focus on the positives whenever you can.
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  #9  
Old 2013-11-15, 22:19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reek View Post
Zee, have you tried meditation?
This is actually a very good idea.

I wish you a good recovery Zee, I hope you do better.
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  #10  
Old 2013-11-15, 23:30
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... It may sound silly, but have you tried having a pet ? You'd be able to witness a positive trace you have on things...
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  #11  
Old 2013-11-16, 18:30
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Parece algo poco serio la verdad, poco lo es en estos dias, no lo creo, veo y no puede ser!
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  #12  
Old 2013-11-16, 18:53
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Hey, zee, stiffen up! I don't know about your background, your personal story or whatever, but K.A.T. is right, there has to be a place, a person, someone or something out there that will change your life into something positive.
My life sucks at the moment, and I used this forum as a relief valve before you, maybe you remember. My life still sucks, but there's something I keep dreaming everyday: a place for me in the world, where I'll be ok and I'll lead a respectable life. That's what you gotta do, and if you can, reach that place. Even if it's not a physical place, but just a state of mind, a feeling, try and reach it.

Do you remember when you told me "you should come to chicago, you and your gf?"... well, chicago is still in my Facebook cover image. It may stand for chicago itself, or for another place where I'll finally be happy. That image stands for my dream for a new life. Follow your dream, girl, and if you don't have any, create it.

You did much for me, just with one little sentence. I hope I'm doing something good for you too. <3
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  #13  
Old 2013-11-17, 03:25
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I want to thank everyone for all your support. It means more to me than you know.

Everyone here has givin me a lot of insight and a number of wonderful ideas that I am more than willing to try.
I do believe I need to find a place in order to relax. Somewhere I can let my mind free and escape all my worries. Some place I can meditate and feel at ease.
And making a goal for myself. Something where I can feel like I'm making a difference. I think that will help a lot too.

And Stregs, I do remember. And my offer still stands. I've since moved from Chicago but if you and your fiancee ever decide to vacation there then I would most definitely love to meet you.

Now, I also wanted to apologize for taking such a long time to reply to this thread. The past few days for me have been extremely difficult. I talked to A_LIPSTICK about this a little bit yesterday and she was extremely supportive so I wanted to thank her for that. Love you girl.

I was hestitant to post about it here but I suppose I should since it might be part of the reason why I have been feeling the way I have lately and why my emotions have been running rampant but,

I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant. I've opted to have an abortion and if anyone here is against that then I apologize but please try to be understanding as there are many reasons that I have decided to chose this option.

I have a lot of emotions running through me right now and feel its for the best.

Again, I thank everyone dearly for your support. I love you all <3
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  #14  
Old 2013-11-17, 11:27
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I was reading your post "I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant" - That's wonderf - "I've opted to have an abortion" - oh...

From your post, you seem to feel better though
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Old 2013-11-17, 19:31
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marcosmapf marcosmapf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polaris View Post
I was reading your post "I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant" - That's wonderf - "I've opted to have an abortion" - oh...

From your post, you seem to feel better though
²


I'm realy glad you are better Zee... it means a lot to me and, obviously, to all of us. Do what you think its best for you, and take no regrets on it!!
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  #16  
Old 2013-11-17, 20:14
ChaosFish ChaosFish is offline
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Admittedly I have no idea what it's like or what you're going through and also I don't really know you, but wishing you all the best all the same. Be well!
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  #17  
Old 2013-11-17, 23:44
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"Hooray for abortions!!!" ~ Reek, 24/10/07
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there's no room for subtleties, which are so important in personalities such as mine.
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  #18  
Old 2013-11-18, 00:36
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Streg Streg is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marcosmapf View Post
²


I'm realy glad you are better Zee... it means a lot to me and, obviously, to all of us. Do what you think its best for you, and take no regrets on it!!
That's all I wanted to say

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zee
And Stregs, I do remember. And my offer still stands. I've since moved from Chicago but if you and your fiancee ever decide to vacation there then I would most definitely love to meet you.
I'll get to see the states sooner or later. You'll be the first to know
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Old 2013-11-18, 18:24
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Zee Zee is offline
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Thanks again everyone it means a lot.

The whole pregnancy is a bit terrifying. I've chosen not to tell the father because we don't have the greatest relationship and although I try to remain on somewhat ok terms with him, I don't want to make whats already a disaster even worse. My mom is helping me through this and is being very supportive.

On top of that, I woke up this morning with the most god awful IC flare up. My bladder and I need to get a divorce not sure if anyone here has or knows anything about IC (interstitial cystitus) but its like having the worst urinary tract infection in the world and it hurts horribly and there's nothing you can do about it. No medication or treatment or cure. I need a new bladder lol.

Maybe I should start a blog to try and help others who have it also or who have had similar life experiences as I have had. I may only be 25 but I have been through a lifetime of shit that most people couldn't even imagine. Maybe that's my calling. To help others. Like Darkflame said
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  #20  
Old 2013-11-18, 18:35
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Whiteleafdesert Whiteleafdesert is offline
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Zoe

I'm glad you are feeling better.
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  #21  
Old 2013-11-19, 02:04
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leoboe leoboe is offline
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I know I don't post here very often, just as many other "quiet members". But some things should never be unanswered and this probably is one of the easiest examples.
I'm neither an expert in psychology nor can I even imagine what you've been through, but I just wanted to tell you, Zee, that there's a lot of people caring about you.
It might not be of any deep meaning but an old teacher told us a nice saying back in 10th grade (freely translated from German):
"Finding that one silver lining might seem an honorable quest, but creating many of them first place will help you even through the toughest times."
It's great to hear you're doing better now and I hope you will find your place.
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  #22  
Old 2013-11-26, 20:23
DedalousDiggle DedalousDiggle is offline
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I don't know you (or half of the people posting on here these days). So hi.

I just wanted to remind you that despite the stupid bullshit that happens here every day there is a real person behind every one of these names (ok, except for the armies of sock puppet accounts and the occasional porn spam bot, but whatever) and even if they don't act like it they care about each other. They care about you and right now every one of them seeing this is thinking about you. Some of the people reading this right now will never even post, you won't even know they exist. But they're reading the words you wrote and they're thinking about you. They know you exist.

Sorry if this post is shit. I'm so tired right now.
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  #23  
Old 2013-11-26, 20:51
ChaosFish ChaosFish is offline
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DedalousDiggle - Wonderfully said. Definitely not a shit post.
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  #24  
Old 2013-11-26, 21:01
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marcosmapf marcosmapf is offline
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DedalousDiggle, that's a realy good post, it makes you think a lot...
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Old 2013-11-27, 16:08
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i believe this video contains the answer to everything
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