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  #1  
Old 2006-07-19, 23:17
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Jesse Jesse is offline
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The Third Chapter; rewrite.



Added: Slight rewrite including more inner thoughts of Twinsen. There's some more rewrite in this one, but not as much as in the previous two.
Warning: Includes violence.



chap3 escape
// a famous chapter containing violence. Maybe that was the whole start of the direction this book was going to: matrix style violence mixed with 'Davind Eddings' style and terry pratchet - but then a joke every paragraph instead of one in two pages.

ZzzzzzzzzzZzzzzZzzz...
Remeber....that day?

Who are you?
Doesn't matter...
You know, that day Zoe choose you above that other Quetch; Sebastian?

..yes.
Figure why she did back then...who would want a mate whose dreaming all the time eh? Not everybody likes people with imagination like you have. Also you weren't exactly rich, remember who funded your house.
? even my dream thinks I'm louzy because I dream?
Besides...that house was inherited. I remember clearly.


Twinsen woke up in another small room, but this one was a part of a huge hall. This prison cell didn’t have it's own ceiling. So, thought Twinsen, if I could climb up the walls of the prison I can escape.
That was impossible, of course, it was too slippy to climb up it. Twinsen was lonely, he missed his wife, and he couldn’t think about anything else. "But why did she ran away?" he asked himself. Then he realised that was a really dumb thought. "Otherwise, she would be captured too, of course. Maybe she shouted help. For a moment he was proud of his wife, but then thought about that other guard, who blew his mission to infiltrate the citadel, just to save Twinsen: "He was caught because he helped me," Twinsen thought sadly.

There was some food left in his cell. He felt really hungry, so he ate it. It looked like a giant crab, something he had read about, it tasted a bit like chicken. * Twinsen never ate chicken, because that animal isn't present on this planet - however, his overactive imagination got the mental picture quite right, well, almost *. People seemed to suggest that it was good for your
body's resistance. An animal with that kind of razor blade sharp claws could probably resist anything -except for the foodindustry.


After sitting there for two days, he started to get enraged. He became really aggressive and hit the wall and jumped around, he started to growl like an animal! An elevator came then hovering through the hall untill it reached Twinsen’s cell. "Stop fidgeting, prisoner Twinsen," called the guard who rode the platform. Twinsen acted ill, to deceive the guard. The elevator came down to the ground, and when the guard stepped off to look at Twinsen, Twinsen hit his neck with his fist.

This might seem stupid behaviour from the guard's point of view. However, since Funfrock ordered Twinsen to be kept alive, he didn't dare to kill Twinsen the first time this happened. Actually, being a guard was such a boring job, that when this happened, he more than once just sought out a fight with Twinsen, in a fake clumsy way. It seemed good morning exercise.

The guard was prepared and hit like he always did... so his punch was easy to evade for Twinsen, who now read his moves like a book. He quickly jumped at the elevator, which was rising again. The guard jumped with all his might and was just able to reach the elevator which continued to rise. He was climbing it until Twinsen hit his arms which were gripping the elevator's edge, but now Twinsen was losing his balance and both fell into the prison cell next to Twinsen’s one. Twinsen stood up. The guard was also trying to stand but he had one problem he hadn't counted on: The Rabbibunny which helped Twinsen when he was attacked in the street, was here in this cell! He nimbly jumped to the guard and simply broke his neck.

"That’ll be the end of him!" said the Rabbibunny, "You should have killed him before you jumped at the elevator - and the first time you fought -, but I’m surprised. Have you really never had training in any fighting techniques? Like kung-fu?" Twinsen said, "No, never before." "You’re very talented," said The Rabbibunny. He was quite like the other rabbibunnies...tall, orange, yellow shirt. It presumably was the hot dresscode for this summer, and also a lot of summers before this one.

"My name is Nathan, I’m a specialist in fighting, and in fact, I’m one of the leaders of the Rebellion. Now, what’s your name?" "Twinsen, I’m arrested because I have strange dreams about Sendell."

"You have?"

He suddenly looked more awake and alert than before. "What’s the name of your grandfather?" Nathan asked.

"Gerald," said Twinsen. "He was killed by LeBorgne, the fearsome pirate"

"Ahh, I see. Now look, we don’t have all that much time and that elevator is flying around without anyone on it. We must hurry. I’ll teach you some techniques later, we don’t quite have the time now, so just watch me. Now let's go". They grabbed on to the elevator and jumped off it before it reached the end of the platform, where some guards were standing. "Duck!" whispered Nathan. He ran to the stairs leading to the platform and was told to surrender by a guard. The guard and the doctor were the same ones that were in the room were Twinsen was interrogated. While the guard was looking at the skilled rebel, Twinsen was able to creep around the side of him very discreetly.


The guard tried to hit the alarm button, but noticed his arm was breaking.

Twinsen was there bending his arm, and then it was too late. Nathan stole a knife from the nurse and was using it at the guard. The nurse was already dead: he couldn’t live without a head, which Nathan was playing with. "Stop that!" Twinsen said. "We’ve got work to do."

Twinsen didn’t liked this bloody actions but they had to, if they were to get out alive. They walked silently through the hall until they saw a door-fence thing. It was clearly designed to do the work of both. Then they realised that it was locked, and they didn’t have a key.

"Great, now what are we going to do?" Twinsen exclaimed. "Man, you really need rebellion training! Opening locked doors is the first thing you’ll learn (especially prison doors)," said the small rebellion leader. He then started wrestling with the keyhole. It took 10 whole minutes, but eventually the door was open. "Now you really need some basics if you want to escape," Nathan said. "Improve your walk, you make too much noise." Nathan quickly taught Twinsen some basic things, such as: Be discreet (even if you fight, nobody will hear it, how to evade slaps and kicks, and taught him a useful flying kick. This guy was so skilled at everything it seemed!

It was clear that this guy was a really good dissident. In the next room was an alarm button and...! a guard. Thankfully the guard was a fair distance from the button. Nathan wanted to see Twinsen kill the guard on his own, to see how much he had learnt. Twinsen ran quietly to the alarm button so he was between the guard and the button. Then the guard saw him.


The guard was a Quetch with large arms. Twinsen made a flying kick from a standstill position, just like he was taught. That surprised the guard, he had no idea that this prisoner was so skilled! Twinsen hit the guard on his chest and then smashed the guard in his face. The guard fell unconscious so Twinsen broke his legs and pulled him to a corner so he could lay him in a case. Twinsen never liked violence and felt weird about killing so easily without hestitation. Nathan smiled, "You are a fast learner," he said. "Thanks," said Twinsen. They both checked another room which was to the left of them, they didn’t dare to check out the stairs yet. They found Twinsen’s ID card and a Holomap in a closet, but not Nathan’s. "Where's your ID card?" asked Twinsen. "Don’t have one, it was destroyed by the rebels when I joined them. They don’t want FunFrock to know who the rebels are." "Look, a nurse suit!" Twinsen whispered. He was so exited. Nathan than told him why Twinsen must wear it and kill the guards on his own. It was because: "That thing doesn't fit me, there are no Rabbibunnies who are nurses and when I go up there the guards will recognize me as a prisoner and we'll all get captured!"

Right, If we get out of here it's merely because of lack of security. Makes you wonder; how can there be so little guards when Funfrock himself is coming? I'd nearly expect a tank squad.

Twinsen was convinced so he took the suit and put it on. Twinsen walked back to the stairs with the alarm button next to it, when he was walking upstairs he was thinking about how all this happened: "I was walking down at the beach, and now I’m here and I've killed someone and I’m in prison because I have strange dreams!"

And he remembered: FunFrock was coming, he must be scared of Sendell, because he forbade the legend. Maybe that’s why I was captured. The best thing to do would have been to keep it just between Zoé and me Twinsen thought. While he arrived at the top floor, he walked quietly to another alarm button. He needed to kill the guard quickly. He said hello to the other nurses and used his knife. Foam started to drain out of the guards mouth with lots of blood. The guard was dead. Standing between the nurses and the alarm button, he called Nathan, saying that it was safe for him to come. Nathan threw a bomb, and fire engulfed the nurses and they died quickly. Twinsen was shocked: how the heck did he get that? "It wasn’t difficult, just use nitroligon and you’ll be able to make it. It’s very effective," said Nathan.

Come on, the nurses are dead. Let's go.
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  #2  
Old 2006-07-20, 00:50
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Kitarii Kitarii is offline
You what?!
 
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Well, it's pretty good.. I just don't like the fact you've added another character who just wasn't in the story.
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  #3  
Old 2006-07-20, 19:36
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Jesse Jesse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ricochet
Well, it's pretty good.. I just don't like the fact you've added another character who just wasn't in the story.
They're the same person really.
Notice he's a rabbibunnie too.
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  #4  
Old 2006-07-20, 19:54
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Kitarii Kitarii is offline
You what?!
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neko
They're the same person really.
Notice he's a rabbibunnie too.
Huh? Who's the same person as who?

Who's the other rabbibunny?

Huh?
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  #5  
Old 2006-07-20, 21:27
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Jesse Jesse is offline
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That´s the problem with rewrites...certain error´s creep in. This time I mentioned the name ´Nathan´ without properly linking him to the rabbibunnie clone who stuck his bayonet in the other guard´s eye.

This ´clone´ was just a Rabbibunny in disguise, named ´Nathan´. He was also the rabbibunnie in chapter two.

If you read it over, you´ll see the that it is all just one person.
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  #6  
Old 2006-07-20, 23:30
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Kitarii Kitarii is offline
You what?!
 
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Oh yeah I got that straight away!

What I meant was, you've added a new character into a story which is already complete without that character, (i.e. LBA1 story)..

You see now?
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  #7  
Old 2006-07-21, 19:26
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Jesse Jesse is offline
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This story is my version of the game, which isn't written in bookform. It's my imagination, so when the story seems to be in need of an extra character, I'll add one.

Besides, I go pretty far off the story anyway. The reason I can do that is because LBA has so little conversation.
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  #8  
Old 2006-07-30, 17:27
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Lupin Lupin is offline
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This new character doesn't diturb me, but it seems too violent to me, atleast the way they kill the guards... Also, the name of the rabbibunny, Nathan doesn't fit lba imo, because all other names are french name or special names, Nathan sounds weird in LBA. Excepted this, this is very enjoyable, how far did you go ?
I can't wait to read next chapters...
Are you planning to rewrite all LBA story ? That could make a cool LBA novel !!
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  #9  
Old 2006-07-31, 19:21
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Jesse Jesse is offline
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It is violent, and perhaps not fitting in with my current taste. But it's an old story, and I rewrite what bothers me, unless it's to prominently featured in the original.

I went up to quite a few chapters....I don't remember exactly how far it went, read along I'd say and you'll notice.
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  #10  
Old 2006-08-05, 14:02
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Lupin Lupin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neko View Post
It is violent, and perhaps not fitting in with my current taste. But it's an old story, and I rewrite what bothers me, unless it's to prominently featured in the original.

I went up to quite a few chapters....I don't remember exactly how far it went, read along I'd say and you'll notice.
What do you mean ? Reading the old versions of the next chapters ?
Can I still find them on the forum ?
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  #11  
Old 2006-08-05, 21:48
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Jesse Jesse is offline
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You can read the old chapters if they're still online. Or you can read the newer versions when/if I update a chapter.

Haven't worked on chapter four, since there's now two versions on two computers, I might need to fuse them.

Writing isn't the only thing at my mind..writing music, learning music....website design...there's no room left for 'writing' sometimes
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  #12  
Old 2006-08-06, 01:24
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Ohhh, I hope you'll rewrite them one day !!!
I'll check for the old ones when I have time.
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  #13  
Old 2007-02-06, 00:23
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Jesse Jesse is offline
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Do not hold your breath though...rewriting isn't satisfactionary. I can hook you up with the original though,.
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