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  #1  
Old 2003-04-09, 14:43
bunnyrabbot02's Avatar
bunnyrabbot02 bunnyrabbot02 is offline
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Twinsun Back To Citadel Island (Unfinished)

Back To Citadel Island (Unfinished)

Foreword

This fic is happening after LBA1.
I have only tried the LBA1 demo, and I have only read how LBA1 ended, so the informations about Twinsun before LBA2 may not be so correct.

Citadel Island

Twinsen and Zoe had returned to Citadel Island, after they had defeated Funfrock and his monsters and clones, a big crowd welcomed Twinsen and Zoe, and a new statue of Twinsen of Zoe got presented.
The cities on Twinsun got crowded by citizens, who sang and danced in the streets, and later on in the evening, was fireworks in all colors shooting up over the cities.
Twinsen and Zoe was in Chez Luc, where the painting of Twinsen, who was charged with Sendell's energy, got presented, and then was the crowd dancing to the live music from Raph, Pat and Fab, and the party ended late in the morning.

Principal Island

Twinsen and Zoe flew with Dino Fly to Principal Island the day after the celebrations was held on the planet, and there they visited the shops on Peg-Leg Street and took to the library.
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Old 2003-04-09, 15:35
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Xakep_INC Xakep_INC is offline
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In my opinion, if you add more details you will make this piece alot more interesting. For examle, instead of writing:
Quote:
Twinsen and Zoe had returned to Citadel Island, after they had defeated Funfrock and his monsters and clones, a big crowd welcomed Twinsen and Zoe, and a new statue of Twinsen of Zoe got presented.
You can go into a little more detail and write:

Quote:
Twinsen and Zoe were returning to the Citadel Island. They saw the Island in the horizon, the citadel was ruined and smoke and dust rose upon it. While the ship came closer to the Island, Twinsen noticed a big crowd in the port. The crowd happily danced and sang songs. The military outposts and patrols seemed to be completely destroyed. When Twinsen and Zoe got out of the ship, they were welcomed by the crowd, songs were sang and a big party was about to begin. After walking to the main plaza and being surprised by a big statue of themselves, Twinsen and Zoe got to Chez Luc, where they were even more surprised by an outstanding portrait of Twinsen. It was magically glowing, and the whole place was filled by the calm and peaceful energy of Sendell. After a while, Raph, Pat and Fab performed some of their new compositions. The party continued until the morning, and everything was showing that the dictatorship of FunFrock is over.
Please notice that the general idea wasn't changed at all, but the text manages to create a little more deep and magical atmosphere. By increasing the level of details you can create a very special atmosphere for your creation. And of chourse if you increase the amount of high vocabulary the stories you make will be much better.
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Old 2003-04-10, 00:35
Lightwing Lightwing is offline
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Dito.
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