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  #1  
Old 2001-06-20, 03:11
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Kieron Kieron is offline
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I'm a bit bored

so I'm gonna tell y'all a li'l joke.

Right. There's a woman with three daughters, and each one has vowed to be a virgin until she got married.

Well they all get married at more or less the same time. Before they go off on their honeymoons, their mother asks them to send back a postcard to let her know that everything's gone OK with the... post-marriage stuff.

The youngest daughter sends a postcard back quite soon. But it just says on it, 'Benson and Hedges.' The mother is quite puzzled until she looks on her own packet, where it says, 'king size - extra large.' She was happy with that.

The middle daughter sends one a bit later, saying 'Nescafé.' This time, the mother knows the game, and goes straight to her jar in the kitchen. The slogan is, 'enjoyable 'till the last drop.' And she was satisfied with this too.

The eldest daughter took ages and ages to send her postcard. When it eventually arrived, it read, 'British Airways.' Now the mother couldn't find a BA advert anywhere. But she happened to be watching TV when an advert was shown about BA flights to New York. According to the ad, the flights ran 'three times a day, five days a week, both ways.'

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Last edited by Kieron; 2001-06-20 at 15:43.
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  #2  
Old 2001-06-20, 07:58
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wacko wacko is offline
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lol !!
nasty Kieron

Sorry, don't know any jokes right now, I'll think about it.
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  #3  
Old 2001-06-20, 16:54
Atresica Atresica is offline
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Hehehe

I have to think of a good one too
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  #4  
Old 2001-06-20, 20:54
Lightwing Lightwing is offline
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Nice one....

how about this one:

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from
a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab,
then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You
scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."


-For those of you that don't know, driving hearses is somebody that drives dead people at the funerals.
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  #5  
Old 2001-06-20, 21:20
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Keds Keds is offline
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LOL, some good jokes. Okay, here's my contribution.

There are three male freinds, two straight and one gay. They decide to take their partners on a cruise. While enjoying their cruise, the boat crashes and the all die. Up at the gates of heaven, god is thinking about whether or not to let the men in.

The first straight man steps up... "let's see said god... in your life you had no power over your lust. You liked money so much you got a wife called penny. No heaven for you"

The second man steps up "now... I'm afraid I can't let you in either... you liked sweets so much you got a wife called Candy"

The gay man turns to his partner "doesn't look like we've got much chance Dick..."

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  #6  
Old 2001-06-20, 21:51
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wacko wacko is offline
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Lightwing -> knew that one, lol!
Keds -> LOL!


Hey I know one...

Three small men sit together. One of them thinks he has the smallest hands in the world, the other thinks he has the smallest feet in the world and the final one thinks he has the smallest penis in the world.

They go to the office of World's Records. The first man comes out, very happy. "I've got the smallest hands in the world!!". Then the other one comes out "I've got the smallest feet in the world!" Finally the last one comes out, he looks very sad. The other two ask what happened, and he tells them: "do you know some guy named El_Muerte?"

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  #7  
Old 2001-06-20, 21:55
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wacko wacko is offline
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Yeah, I just remembered another one:

A German, a French and an Englishman come together by a swimming pool. One of them has heard that when you stand near the edge and you scream something, the pool will be filled with it, and you can freely swim around in it.

The German man tries it. He stands near the edge and screams: "Bier! Bier!". Suddenly the pool is filled with beer, he dives in and has a lot of fun. Then the Frenchman stands near the edge and screams: "Le vin! Le vin!". The pool is filled with wine, and the Frenchman swims around. Then the Englishman stands near the edge, but he slips, screaming: "Shit!!!"

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  #8  
Old 2001-06-20, 22:05
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Rex_Hollywood Rex_Hollywood is offline
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
I can't breath...
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Rex_Hollywood - Not changing signatures since 2001!
"Ignorance is bliss" (Cypher, 'The Matrix')
"If ignorance is bliss then wipe the smile off my face" (Rage Against The Machine)
"Ignorance IS NOT bliss! How is your credit card history?" (Banner)
"I find bliss in Ignorance" (Linkin Park - One Step Closer)
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  #9  
Old 2001-06-20, 22:30
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SmoG Temple SmoG Temple is offline
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Ok, here's a sexist/blond joke.

3 Blonds girls went to a nice river everyday. (You must remember they were blonds )
One time, they decided they want to get to the other side of the river, they wanna see what's going on there.
They sat down and start thinking how to do it. (They were blonds)
Hours later, a fairy appeard. She said:
A few meters from here there is a magical tree. Everyone who stands under it can make a wish and it will come true"

Then she disappeard.
The 3 blonds were very happy. The 1st blond stood under the tree and said:
"I wanna be smart!"

And then, she saw some branches above the river. She hang on them and start aproaching the other side.

The 2nd blond stood under the tree and said:
"I wanna be super smart!

And then,She saw some rocks at the buttom of the river, and she walked on them.

The 3rd blond stood under the tree and said:
"I wanna be super ultra mega smart!"

She turned into a man and used the bridge.


I Know it's disguasting hehe
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  #10  
Old 2001-06-20, 22:44
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Rex_Hollywood Rex_Hollywood is offline
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Ok, here's a custom joke (it can be used only if you have over
250 posts...)

What's the diffrence between [someone you hate] and his/her mother?

$10!!!

*waits 'till you get the joke...*
hmm...
hmm...
hmm...

Got it?

Ok, I'll find something better later...
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Rex_Hollywood - Not changing signatures since 2001!
"Ignorance is bliss" (Cypher, 'The Matrix')
"If ignorance is bliss then wipe the smile off my face" (Rage Against The Machine)
"Ignorance IS NOT bliss! How is your credit card history?" (Banner)
"I find bliss in Ignorance" (Linkin Park - One Step Closer)
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  #11  
Old 2001-06-21, 00:19
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Kieron Kieron is offline
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What was the difference between the nun who was praying, and the nun who was in the bath?

The nun praying had hope in her soul, but the nun in the bath had soap in her...



That's quite hard for non-native English speakers.
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  #12  
Old 2001-06-21, 00:43
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Many good jokes all in one go. LOL, Wacko I like the Englishman falling in the shit... I'll have to remember that one.

I have a crude joke aswell Kieron. I'm not sure if anyone will really want to hear it. I'll post it anyway.

There are four tampons walking down the street. Which one do you talk to?

None. They're all stuck up cunts.



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  #13  
Old 2001-06-21, 01:47
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Kieron Kieron is offline
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That makes me feel just slightly sick... is the nearest smiley!
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  #14  
Old 2001-06-21, 11:22
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Rex_Hollywood Rex_Hollywood is offline
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Use V2's new smiley to throw up...
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Rex_Hollywood - Not changing signatures since 2001!
"Ignorance is bliss" (Cypher, 'The Matrix')
"If ignorance is bliss then wipe the smile off my face" (Rage Against The Machine)
"Ignorance IS NOT bliss! How is your credit card history?" (Banner)
"I find bliss in Ignorance" (Linkin Park - One Step Closer)
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  #15  
Old 2001-06-21, 12:03
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Keds Keds is offline
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Such effect in so few words eh?
Perhaps it is a little graphic.
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  #16  
Old 2001-06-21, 20:35
Lightwing Lightwing is offline
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Oh god.....those are all good and funny...how about this one



How many Vikings does it take to drink all the water on earth?

2. One to drink the water, and the other one to hold to toilet lid.
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  #17  
Old 2001-06-21, 21:09
Atresica Atresica is offline
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Wacko: that's a pretty old one!

Alright
A policeman sees a woman with tight cloths runs over the street, a guy follows her. The policeman thinks "hey that can't be right" so he stops the guy
The guy look angry at him and says: "We just went to the cinema, the last one home has to do the dishes!"

A little durty one.

A guy goes to the whores. When he finds one he undresses himself and puts a condom around his penis, he takes another condom and puts it also around his penis. Then he puts two chuwed out gums in his nose and closes it.
The whore asks: "Why are you doing that?"
The guy: "Did you ever smell burning rubber?"



Another one
A guy goes to the whores. He stoppes at a door and knockes. A whore opens up
"What do you want"
"I want to be scruwed"
"Than give me 25 $"
The guy gives 25 $.
The whore closes the door

The guy waits for a while and wonders where that whore is. He knockes again.
"What do you want" she says
"I want to be scruwed!"
"Again?!"



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  #18  
Old 2001-06-21, 22:06
Lightwing Lightwing is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Atresica

A little durty one.

A guy goes to the whores. When he finds one he undresses himself and puts a condom around his penis, he takes another condom and puts it also around his penis. Then he puts two chuwed out gums in his nose and closes it.
The whore asks: "Why are you doing that?"
The guy: "Did you ever smell burning rubber?"
OH GOD! LOL!!!! ATRESICA!! Thats just wrong beyong all reasons....and yet so very very true....

LOL
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  #19  
Old 2001-06-21, 22:32
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wacko wacko is offline
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lol @ Atresica
And yeah, I know mine was a pretty old one... but that was one I could remember

Another one:

A guy goes to the whores. Then he sees one, behine glass in a red spot. He knocks on the window and asks: "How much?" she answers: "30 bucks!". The man walks away, thinking: "Hey that's not too much for that nice isolation glass."

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  #20  
Old 2001-06-22, 09:46
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Dark Eyedol Dark Eyedol is offline
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Talking

Here are some jokes:

1.A guy goes fishing and he catches a small golden fish...
- Hey man, don't kill me, I may be small but I can accomplish one wish, said the golden fish.
- Ok...here's my wish: I want the world to be peaceful.
- Sorry ma'man but that's a very big wish and hard to accomplish, so say another one.
- Ok, I want you to make my wife beutiful, said the guy.
- Err...what were you saying about the peacefull world ?



2.A guy enters a bar and sees a poster saying "Beer for free"...
He asks the bartender:
- What should I do to give me some beer for free ?
- Ok, here it is: 1.you must drink 30 bottles of beer 2.outside there's a crocodile with a sick tooth, you have to pull it out and bring it to me and 3.upstairs is a woman that is never sexually satisfied, so you must satisfy her...
The guy drinks a tequila and then says that he's ready to bigin... He began to drink the 30 beers and knocked himself out, then as drunk as he can be goes outside... From the outside are heard screams etc etc etc. After a time the guy enters victoriously and asks:
- Ok, now where's the woman with the sick tooth ?



3.There was a magical mirror that absorbed anyone who lied in front of her...
In front of the mirror comes a very beautiful brunette girl and says:
- Dear mirror, I think that I'm the most beautifful girl in the world...
The mirror absorbs her.
In front of the mirror comes a readhead chick with very beautifful breasts and says:
- Dear mirror, I think that I have the most beutifful breasts...
The mirror absorbs her...
In front of the mirror comes a blond chick and says:
- Dear mirror, I think...
The mirror absorbs her.


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  #21  
Old 2001-06-22, 10:25
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Bomba! Bomba! is offline
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Joke:
boy: mamy i cant go to the doctor today
mother: why?
boy: i am not feeling good
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"When you were born, the world rejoiced and you cried. Live your life, so that when you die, you will rejoice and the world will cry." ~ Indian Saying
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  #22  
Old 2001-06-22, 14:59
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Rex_Hollywood Rex_Hollywood is offline
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Dark Eyedol, I didn't get the last joke...
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Rex_Hollywood - Not changing signatures since 2001!
"Ignorance is bliss" (Cypher, 'The Matrix')
"If ignorance is bliss then wipe the smile off my face" (Rage Against The Machine)
"Ignorance IS NOT bliss! How is your credit card history?" (Banner)
"I find bliss in Ignorance" (Linkin Park - One Step Closer)
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  #23  
Old 2001-06-22, 15:23
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wacko wacko is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by FireBall2K
Dark Eyedol, I didn't get the last joke...
The mirror absorbs people if the don't speak the truth... I knew that one
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  #24  
Old 2001-06-22, 15:34
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Rex_Hollywood Rex_Hollywood is offline
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Oh, now I get it!!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
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Rex_Hollywood - Not changing signatures since 2001!
"Ignorance is bliss" (Cypher, 'The Matrix')
"If ignorance is bliss then wipe the smile off my face" (Rage Against The Machine)
"Ignorance IS NOT bliss! How is your credit card history?" (Banner)
"I find bliss in Ignorance" (Linkin Park - One Step Closer)
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  #25  
Old 2001-06-22, 18:30
Lightwing Lightwing is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dark Eyedol
Here are some jokes:

1.A guy goes fishing and he catches a small golden fish...
- Hey man, don't kill me, I may be small but I can accomplish one wish, said the golden fish.
- Ok...here's my wish: I want the world to be peaceful.
- Sorry ma'man but that's a very big wish and hard to accomplish, so say another one.
- Ok, I want you to make my wife beutiful, said the guy.
- Err...what were you saying about the peacefull world ?



2.A guy enters a bar and sees a poster saying "Beer for free"...
He asks the bartender:
- What should I do to give me some beer for free ?
- Ok, here it is: 1.you must drink 30 bottles of beer 2.outside there's a crocodile with a sick tooth, you have to pull it out and bring it to me and 3.upstairs is a woman that is never sexually satisfied, so you must satisfy her...
The guy drinks a tequila and then says that he's ready to bigin... He began to drink the 30 beers and knocked himself out, then as drunk as he can be goes outside... From the outside are heard screams etc etc etc. After a time the guy enters victoriously and asks:
- Ok, now where's the woman with the sick tooth ?



3.There was a magical mirror that absorbed anyone who lied in front of her...
In front of the mirror comes a very beautiful brunette girl and says:
- Dear mirror, I think that I'm the most beautifful girl in the world...
The mirror absorbs her.
In front of the mirror comes a readhead chick with very beautifful breasts and says:
- Dear mirror, I think that I have the most beutifful breasts...
The mirror absorbs her...
In front of the mirror comes a blond chick and says:
- Dear mirror, I think...
The mirror absorbs her.


Oh my god! LOL
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